Living in the Moment

Living in the moment    ...    in a healthy, positive way.

In the weeks leading up to this festival, I had begun to allow myself to get stressed because I tried to do everything at once:   Packing the house (for the upcoming move), practicing for everything (this festival, upcoming lessons and just personal goals of music learning, etc.  Trying to do everything at once is, well, a little overwhelming, and our brains were not wired that way. That's why I write lists, to try to help with this problem.  Sometimes they don't work.  That's when I actually allow the outside stressors to affect me.

It has been a cool experience so far, being here in Saarburg and being a "staff" accompanist.  Or collaborative pianist.  But at the same time, I allowed myself to get a little stressed.  Knowing that I would be playing on the faculty concert (Friday!), I allowed that mean voice inside my head to question whether or not my musicality would be "good enough," or if my technicality would be proficient enough for the job.  Silly, really.  Regardless of whether or not I am "good enough," I'm doing it!   This is me, as I am today, this week: Enjoy the music, or don't.  But I will not allow concern over someone else's "judgement" cloud my complete and utter enthusiasm for the music I so dearly love.

Enough of that. Back to "living in the moment."  I explain all that to give an idea about how I was totally NOT living in the moment!  And, when you aren't in the moment, it's really difficult to play music well.  Needless to say, my mental game wasn't so great for a few days there.  It only took a short time of practicing, though, to change that.  Slow practice really helps remind me how to mentally approach things, and how to really just Go for it in performance.  That may sound strange, but it's true.   I definitely had to make a conscious decision this week, though, to really just live in the moment and not allow myself to get stressed about work I was doing.

At lunch, I enjoy the people I'm with.  I don't rush eating, and just enjoy the friendships I've made without worrying about getting back in 5 minutes to go practice.  I walk to practice, but don't hurry, enjoying the world around me.  Even in lessons, I do my best to focus intensely, but don't stress if I miss a note, because I am human and I make mistakes. (Of course, I make a mental note to focus on that section differently in the next run-through, or in the next practice session.)  That's why I'm going back to school:  Because I am not quite to the point where I can, on my own, be the musician I want to be.  I don't necessarily like admitting that, but it is helpful to note that fact honestly.  On the other hand, I know I have some very good tools that I can and do use on a regular basis, so it's not like I'm completely starting from scratch -- not yet, anyway. ;-) How does that relate to living in the moment?  Well, if I'm beating myself up over some notes that I missed a few seconds ago, or yesterday, or a phrase that I didn't like, or something that is technically difficult that I haven't played yet -- that's not helpful in any way!  (Just in case you wondered about that probably obvious fact.)

Living in the moment most especially applies to performing, though.  It's difficult sometimes to switch gears from practicing, where you are constantly analyzing yourself and trying to modify the way you do things as you go, sometimes... to performing, where you have to just trust that the work you have done in the past was good enough, to allow yourself to be free to take musical risks, while also putting as much energy and focus into the performance as possible.  It's really difficult!  But, so worth it in the end, especially when all the pieces fit together and the performance was good.

That is what we are aiming for in these next few weeks.   Work very hard while working, and work as much as need, but not apologize for play time or rest.

Now: Time for rest.  Early day tomorrow.

I may be living in the moment, but I still have a plan, haha:
Tomorrow's morning goal:  Get at least one hour of practice before having to walk over to the Stadhalle (performance venue for Friday night's faculty performance) for a 9:30 sound check.
Tomorrow's afternoon goal:  Have an amazing first lesson.  Since I tend to get more nervous playing for faculty one-on-one, it will be a good litmus test to see where the trouble spots still are in these pieces.
Tomorrow's evening goal:  Well, it's the last evening before having concerts almost every night til the end of next week, so I haven't decided if I'm going to get extra practice or wander around the town and see the town at night.  The biggest problem is it doesn't get dark til almost 11 pm, and that's a bit late for me. (yes, I realize it's after that time now.  It's still a bit late for me.)